If you were asked, \u201cAre you a good listener?\u201d chances are you\u2019d answer \u201cyes.\u201d Maybe you pride yourself on your ability to stay quiet even when you really<\/i> want to interject, or maybe you believe that you give sound advice after hearing another person\u2019s problem or dilemma. But as I was reminded recently, you might not be listening <\/i>as well as you think!<\/p>\n
While taking a mindfulness course, I participated in an exercise that required each individual and a partner to take turns telling one another a story. The catch was that the listener couldn\u2019t react at all. No smiling, nodding, changes in facial expression, hand gestures, verbal responses, etc. I was surprised by the impact this exercise had on me. I really felt heard<\/i>, that my words were being fully considered but not judged. Not having to \u201cplay\u201d to the other person was incredibly freeing!<\/p>\n
The truth is, there\u2019s a lot more to listening than \u201cjust\u201d letting people talk. Listening is actually a powerful skill that must be mindfully developed. When you truly listen to others, you give them the valuable gifts of respect, compassion, and acknowledgment. Becoming a good listener is an enhancement for your life, too, because it strengthens your relationships, helps you to learn more, keeps you in the moment, and shows others how to effectively listen to you.<\/p>\n
Here are eight tips to help you cultivate the art of listening:<\/p>\n
Eliminate distractions. <\/b>Your physical environment can play a large role in how well you\u2019re able to listen to other people. For instance, the hustle and bustle of a crowded restaurant might impact your focus and even your ability to hear your companion clearly. It\u2019s not always possible, of course, but if you know that a conversation is important, be proactive about removing anything that might distract you from being totally present. Go to a quiet place, mute your cell phone, and turn off the television.<\/p>\n
Turn off your mental track. <\/b>Try to turn off the constant chatter in your head while the other person speaks. Don\u2019t think ahead to formulate a response or try to figure out how to \u201cfix\u201d his problem, as this will distract you from being in the moment. Just listen. This will take some practice, since it probably goes against your habits and instincts! Try to engage not only your ears, but also your heart and mind, in fully understanding what is being said. Remember, a conversation in which you are primarily a listener is not about your own needs and desires, but the other person\u2019s.<\/p>\n
Be still. <\/b>We are all familiar with the concept of an \u201canimated speaker.\u201d Most of us don\u2019t think about animated listeners, but they exist too! Over the course of your next few conversations, pay attention to the other person\u2019s body language as you talk: arm movements, facial expressions, shifting positions, etc. These things aren\u2019t always, but can be, distracting. So especially when the conversation is serious or important, try to keep your nonverbal reactions to a minimum. You may find it helpful to clasp your hands in your lap and keep your eyes focused on a particular spot, such as the speaker\u2019s face.<\/p>\n
Restate what you heard. <\/b>Especially when something important is being discussed, make sure that you understood <\/i>(as opposed to simply heard) what was said. Once the other person has stopped speaking, confirm that you are both on the same page. For example, you might say, \u201cSo, what you\u2019re telling me is that you think your boss has been avoiding you and you\u2019re afraid you might be laid off, correct?\u201d Or, \u201cYou aren\u2019t sure how to resolve the argument you\u2019re having with your spouse and you would like to hear my insights, is that right?\u201d<\/p>\n
Save your stories. <\/b>When someone tells you a story, it\u2019s human nature to want to fire back with your own. You know how it goes: \u201cThat\u2019s so funny, because the same thing happened to my cousin one time\u2026\u201d Or, \u201cI know exactly what you mean, because I was in a similar situation several years ago at my former job\u2026\u201d However, you need to suppress the impulse to respond this way, because it swings the conversation back to you. You may think you are connecting by finding common ground, but from the other person\u2019s perspective, you\u2019re downplaying the issues or concerns she has just laid on the table. Instead, stay focused on the point your companion is trying to make or the problem she is experiencing.<\/p>\n
Ask how you can help. <\/b>Especially if you\u2019re talking to a friend or loved one who is going through a difficult time, you may want to find a solution or lessen the other person\u2019s pain. However, keep in mind that sometimes what people need most is to unload and be heard, not to be fixed. That\u2019s why I recommend explicitly asking the other person what he wants from you after he has finished talking. If your companion asks for your help or advice, give it. But don\u2019t be surprised if you hear, \u201cI just needed someone to listen. Thank you.\u201d The fact is, engaging with other people\u2019s feedback, especially when you\u2019re upset, worried, or emotional, is exhausting. In my personal life, I find that I\u2019m most honest and transparent with friends who just listen.<\/p>\n
Be honest. <\/b>From time to time, you may find yourself listening to someone who has the facts wrong or who is out of line. If this person asks for your feedback, how should you respond, knowing that she won\u2019t like what you have to say? It\u2019s not always easy, but part of being a good listener is being honest. You can\u2019t condone the other person\u2019s bad behavior or lie to them just to keep the peace. Be gentle, but tell the truth. In most cases, the other person will ultimately respect you for your honesty.<\/p>\n
Keep it to yourself. <\/b>Even if you think <\/i>a conversation wasn\u2019t important, be careful about whom you share it with. One of the most important aspects of listening is being trustworthy. This point may seem obvious, but the truth is, it\u2019s often all too easy for your mouth to get ahead of your mind in conversations. And once you\u2019ve developed a reputation as a gossip, it\u2019s hard to repair. That\u2019s why it\u2019s important to stay mindful even after you\u2019ve finished speaking with a particular person. You need to demonstrate that your friends and loved ones can feel safe with you, that you won\u2019t spread their concerns around your social circle or judge them.<\/p>\n
Overall, keep in mind that the art of listening revolves around being interested<\/i>, not interesting<\/i>. When another person is confiding in you, your primary role is not to be entertaining or even to offer solutions\u2014it\u2019s to show your companion consideration and respect.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
If you were asked, \u201cAre you a good listener?\u201d chances are you\u2019d answer \u201cyes.\u201d Maybe you pride yourself on your ability to stay quiet even when you really want to interject, or maybe you believe that you give sound advice after hearing another person\u2019s problem or dilemma. But as I was reminded recently, you might […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[36,54,55,30,25],"tags":[104,56,57,98,95],"class_list":["post-215","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-honesty","category-listening","category-mind-body-soul","category-rejuvenate","category-relationships","tag-honesty","tag-listening-2","tag-mind-body-soul-2","tag-rejuvenate","tag-relationships","wpbf-post"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/marlatomazin.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/215","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/marlatomazin.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/marlatomazin.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marlatomazin.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marlatomazin.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=215"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/marlatomazin.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/215\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":216,"href":"https:\/\/marlatomazin.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/215\/revisions\/216"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/marlatomazin.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=215"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marlatomazin.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=215"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/marlatomazin.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=215"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}