Finding Balance in Your Life—and Making Peace with It

Where would we be without strong relationships? A truth I have learned over the years is that people truly need other people. We may see ourselves as strong, successful, independent, and very happy with our own lives; but, we still recognize the need to surround ourselves with loved ones who, when we need it most, are there to support our dreams and show up for us when we face life’s challenges. That is why I chose to focus on building strong relationships for this month’s installment of Finding Balance in Your Life—and Making Peace with It. Read on to learn how to deepen the bond with your partner and make your meaningful friendships and other relationships soar.

Balance Zone #3: Relationships

Building strong relationships requires a substantial investment of time and effort. But the good news is, any relationship you value is only as strong as the energy you invest in nurturing it. The return on this investment is one of life’s most important lessons—for you and the significant others in your life. Today, we will focus on how to find greater balance and harmony in these relationships, the ones that matter most to you.

I would like to mention that while much of this advice pertains to romantic partnerships, most of it applies to all other relationships as well. Not only will this advice help you deepen the bonds with your partner, it will ensure that your other important relationships—those you have with friends, family members, business partners, or colleagues—are healthy, happy, and rewarding. Let’s begin.

Do a quick relationship audit. Audits are a great way to assess where you are and where you would like to be. They can also reveal unaddressed issues and help you intuitively assess the strengths and weaknesses of each relationship. Think about your valued relationships and what they mean to you. If you have a partner or spouse, this audit is especially important. The state of your partnership drastically impacts other areas of your life—as with your body, it pays to keep it healthy. So, get comfortable and take a few moments to ponder where you are in your various relationships and determine which areas—if any—may need your attention. Here are some examples of the discoveries you might make:

• I need to spend more quality time with my partner.
• I need to set some boundaries around a current relationship.
• I want more close friendships.
• I would like a wider circle of casual friends to enhance my social life.
• I want to nurture my relationship with my child/parent.
• I feel uneasy about my relationship with my business partner/friend/spouse and I would like to have a heart-to-heart discussion.

Give a struggling relationship some TLC. If your audit reveals a problem that needs to be addressed, take action right away. When the relationship is important to you, it is worth the effort to address it. You may realize that you’ve been putting a friendship on the back burner, or that you owe someone an overdue apology, or that you need a weekend getaway to reconnect with your significant other. Delays in addressing these issues always exacerbate matters—acting to correct them can revive a struggling relationship.

Tell the truth. In romantic partnerships and friendships alike, it can be tempting on occasion to sweep your true feelings under the rug in order to “keep the peace.” I feel it is better to be honest with others about your true feelings, even if it means being momentarily uncomfortable or possibly even having a dreaded argument. Overall, seeing yourself as a truth teller maintains balance, because openness and honesty are at the very heart of a relationship; they strengthen the bonds of trust and make them stronger. Which brings me to my next piece of advice…

Keep disagreements respectful. Any relationship is bound to have conflicts. The important thing is to keep things civil even when matters become heated. Feeling angry, hurt, or upset is okay, but we must all learn the value of taking care not to say anything we will regret the moment it leaves our mouths. Yes, there are times when expressing anger is an honest response to a given situation. But, it is in our best interests to find a way to explain how we feel gently, without being judgmental, and asking the other person to do the same.

For example, in the midst of a conflict, it is best to use “I” messages instead of “you” messages. Statements such as, “I feel taken for granted,” can be heard by the other person much more easily than, “You take me for granted.”

Give the gift of listening. Truly listening to others can become the most important way to strengthen or heal a relationship. Focusing solely on the person in front of you gives them respect, expresses your sense of empathy, and is the best way to acknowledge that the other person is truly important to you. Anytime you’re having a conversation with someone, turn off your mental track and stay present to hear what is being said. When the person has finished speaking, restate what you heard to make sure you understood it correctly. Resist the urge to interrupt with your own stories. Instead, ask meaningful questions that seek to explore the common bounds you share or the areas that are most in need of your collective attention.

Verbalize your appreciation. It’s easy to take those close to you for granted, especially when they have been part of your life for many years. That’s why it’s important to verbally show your appreciation for one another often. Thank your partner for cooking a beautiful dinner for you, or for running an errand or taking care of something before you had to ask. Thank your boss for putting you on a project that highlights your strengths. Thank your friend for attending your benefit for charity. Thank your coworker for staying late to cover for you. You really can’t say “thank you” too often.

Treat those you love to “just because” gifts. Giving thoughtful and unexpected tokens of affection lets people know you care and that you are thinking of them. Sometimes, sending a handwritten note of thanks by “snail mail” may be the very thing that brightens someone’s day.  Surprise your spouse with a weekend concert or date night. Pick up a box of nice chocolates and hand deliver them to your friend’s home. Send your son or daughter a care package at college. If you have a momentary hesitancy over this, stop and think about how you would feel if a friend or loved one did this for you.

Show up during life’s storms. When someone you care about is suffering, you may feel inclined to give them space or wait for them to ask for help. But nothing says “I care” better than being there for another person when things go wrong. Cook a meal for a friend who falls ill or volunteer to take her to her doctor’s appointments. Be there to listen and support your partner when they experience a personal or professional disappointment. Friendships are not just about being there for fun events; true relationships are founded upon being at another’s side when they need it most. Your presence will mean a lot.

Say, “I’m sorry.” As painful as apologies are, they are nothing compared to the regret you may feel once a relationship is damaged beyond repair. If you make a mistake, give a heartfelt apology and try to move on with the relationship. Often, saying you are sorry softens your heart as well as the person you hurt, and you will both be able to move forward with more tenderness and care for each other.

Decide who belongs in your inner circle. It’s great to have many friends and acquaintances but remember that you can maintain only a certain number of deep and meaningful relationships at once. The people you love and trust most make up your inner circle—the people for whom you reserve most of your time and energy. Distinguish between close friends/loved ones, colleagues, and those who are only acquaintances. If you find yourself engaging with people on the outskirts of your life as deeply as you engage with your inner circle, you need to reassess your commitment of time being taken away from those who most deserve it. You can still socialize with people you don’t know as well; just prioritize wisely and don’t give them open access to your heart, your time, and your attention.

Get rid of toxic people. Unfortunately, some relationships need to come to an end, sooner rather than later. We all know how draining it can be to maintain a relationship with someone who robs you of your time, energy, patience, peace, or happiness. Toxic people stir up drama, take advantage of your kindness, and put their own interests ahead of everyone else. Put up appropriate protective boundaries or completely remove them from your life. It’s okay to walk away from this kind of abuse. If such an “intolerable” cannot change her/his behavior to become a warm and sociable part of your life, accept that they have chosen to remove themselves from your orbit and let them go. You will breathe easier when you know that the people in your life are worthy of your attention.

Want to give your very best self to others? Nurture your relationship with yourself. It’s hard to be there for others when you aren’t meeting your own needs. That’s one reason (among many) that it is so crucial to have a loving relationship with yourself. This is the basis of self-care. Do what you need to do to ensure you are mentally, physically, and spiritually healthy. Be sure you eat healthy, get plenty of sleep, and exercise regularly. But also go the extra mile to work on yourself and ensure that you are at your best. This might mean going to therapy, exploring a passion outside of your job, taking solo vacations for self-discovery, or finding a spiritual outlet. You are absolutely worth it.

Great relationships are one of life’s biggest joys. They thrive when you nourish them, and you thrive when you lovingly accept the affection, affirmation, laughter, and peace that they bring you. I encourage you to think of one small act you can do each day to deepen a relationship that is dear to you. It’s a gift that you will be giving not only to someone else, but to yourself as well.